A New Road

2014 has been the beginning of a new way of living for me. It would be easiest to say I'm on a weight loss journey, but that's so incomplete, so inadequate a description. Yes, I hope to lose weight. Yes, I hope to become fit. But more importantly I hope to break cycles of thinking that have brought me to where I am today. This is truly a spiritual battle, one where I am relying on the same omnipotent God who redeemed my husband from a destructive addiction and who restored our marriage. I have seen Him work, and it has been spectacular.

And so I have surrendered my food addiction to Him. I have been reluctant, even snarlingly unwilling, to relinquish this. I love food. I enjoy it. I savor it. I anticipate it and plan around it. I depend on it. Which is precisely the problem. God has been gently, firmly, unrelentingly reminding me that I must depend on Him, and Him alone. Food has become my idol, and my idol must be demolished: cast to the ground and pulverized to dust. 

I am not capable of this. I have tried and I have failed. I could try the remainder of my days, and even if I succeeded in choosing kale over pizza, even if I succeeded in losing 80 pounds, I would still have failed. Because my goal is not just to be healthy; my goal is not just to be slim. My goal is to be devoted to my gracious and benevolent Lord, and to serve only Him. As long as I am subject to food, I am serving only myself. 

It has been a slow slog so far, but that's good. I want to be a living sacrifice, transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:1-2). And that takes time. The kind of time that requires perseverance. The kind of time that cultivates faith. The kind of time that forges a new road. 'Cause I'm sick of the old one. That one that's littered with lies like "I had a hard day; I deserve a treat" and pockmarked with shame and failed attempts. I'm parting ways with that road. I'm taking the one made through the depths of the sea. 

Karatasi No. 1

OK, so those of you who know me well (or maybe even not-so-well!) know that I am obsessed with paper. I love the feel of it, the smell of it, and especially the look of it. One box of notecards can set my heart racing and my spirit swooning. A single letter-press card can send me deep into a recurring fantasy: gleaming table, crackling fire, steaming drink, thoughts poured out in ink, artful stamp, walk to mailbox under canopy of leaves, recipient excitedly opening letter, recipient aware of my love for him/her, recipient inspired to reciprocate. Repeat. 

Now because I want to be completely forthright, I have to acknowledge what many of you already know from personal experience: that this fantasy of mine is almost always just that: A fantasy. I yearn to sit and write profound messages on gorgeous paper, but I usually resort to a seemingly-impersonal email or, worse, a concise text message. (shudder) But what I love about paper is that it keeps me coming back to the idea that communication can be more than this, more than some brief, electronic words. There is something about paper that makes me crave (and appreciate) a life where time unfurls slowly, where words mean something, where thoughts are given a space to play and linger, and where handwriting has the power to evoke memories from years ago. I refuse to give up on this idea, and I am determined to keep putting pen to paper, even if it's something as simple as a list. 

Because of this passion for paper, I wanted to recognize it in my blog name somehow, so I chose karatasi, one of Swahili's words for paper. I hope to spotlight some favorite paper products each week and inspire all of us to put pen to paper a little more often.

This week's item is from one of the BEST places to find inspiration: Target! I bought it a few months ago, but last time I checked, it was still available in stores. 

Manufacturer: Compendium, Inc.

Website: green-inspired.com

Retailer: Target 

My favorite elements? 

1. Triangles  I have been loving triangles for years and am so glad they're finally trendy and easy to find.

2. Multi-color on kraft paper  The contrast is delicious.

3. Creative endpapers (the inside covers and immediately adjacent sheets) They make just OPENING the book so much fun, and also build one's confidence (in the case of the second picture)!

4. Artful details that are also useful. The colored edges help me organize my book into easy-to-find sections: crafty ideas, to-do items, scripture/inspiration. The grid helps keep lists neat, provides built-in check boxes, and also makes space-planning a cinch for those of us who enjoy visualizing room arrangements made to-scale. The woven binding helps the book lie flat but doesn't impede writing as a metal coil would.

5. The paper  Thin enough to have plenty of pages to fill, but thick enough to absorb ink without bleeding through.

This journal was a bit pricey at approx. $15, but I knew it was one I'd be reaching for again and again, and I also tend to display notebooks in my home, so it was a worthwhile investment for me. 

Now stop reading this blog and go write something! :-)

Makena

So...a little background about the first part of my blog title. My husband is Kenyan, and at our wedding his family assigned a Kenyan name to me: Makena. For years I refused to acknowledge or use this name because I had been told that it meant "big, happy person", and I had ZERO interest in drawing further attention to my girth. But a couple of years ago I mentioned this to H, and he said, "But that's not what it means!" He proceeded to explain that it meant that my JOY is "big", not my body. Ohhhhhhhhh, NOW I get it! And now I embrace my name and (I hope) live up to it. 

My Love/Hate Relationship With J. Crew

J. Crew is my inspiration and my nemesis. It beckons with its hearty wools and chunky tweeds, and crushes my spirit with its size-0 tailoring. I imagine myself dressing in its casually-draped button-downs and bold necklaces, its Audrey Hepburn skimmer pants and narrow flats, but my plus-size self has no place here. I should avoid it - I've learned not to cultivate discontentment - but I also think it's good for me. It's good for me to remember that I am the same person I was when I could fit into these slim clothes. (In fact, I'm a better person than that girl; not because of my weight, but because of what's happened in the years that have passed.) It's good for me to remember that my worth is not proportionate to my weight. But it's also good for me to remember that my body is a temple, that God desires me to be my best, that He calls me out of my ways and into His. I want to knock food down a few pegs, to be able to sincerely say (like Jesus), “My food is to do the will of Him who sent Me, and to finish His work" (John 4:34 NKJV). 

And so I take tiny steps into this journey: saying "yes" to kickball with the boys, joining (and going to) Curves, saying "no" to chocolate before bed once (or dare I say twice?!) a week, finally doing the Freedom From Emotional Eating study I've procrastinated for years. I move into this process tentatively, warily, but knowing that I can harness the power of the One who created all, who saved my marriage, who fulfilled my dreams, who overcame even death. 

Creative Space

My creative space has been in flux for the last few years. After we refinished out basement in 2009, I commandeered one-third of it for my work area (thank you, honey!). Last fall, I couldn't stand being away from the fireplace and the windows any longer, so I moved a credenza into the dining area and worked from the dining table throughout the cold months. But when the weather turned warm (i.e., no fireplace needed) and the skies  turned sunny (i.e., I had no desire to look outside), I began to realize the downfalls of that workspace: minimal storage, no display space, and an inconvenient round table that had to be cleared for dinner every meal. As I considered other areas for a craft/work area, my friend Mary began to tackle her own long-planned craft room design. Hearing about her process and seeing photos of the well-organized results, I longed more than ever for a dedicated workspace of my own. When Mary and I visited our friend Rachel for an art "playdate" and I saw Rachel's creative, inviting craft room, I was officially in find-a-perfect-craft-area mode. Harry encouraged me to list my priorities so we could settle on the right place. My top three desires were proximity to a fireplace, view of the weather (so I could see the rain and snow), and sufficient storage space. In a house as modestly-sized as ours, there weren't many ways to meet all three of these needs so I resigned myself to sacrificing one of them. Yet every time I thought I'd decided on a location, I shied away from it right when we got ready to take action. Then Harry - that brilliant and supportive husband o' mine - suggested, "Why don't we move out the piano and replace it with your desk?" Could it be? Could it really, truly happen?!? YES, it COULD happen! And it did. Over the Fourth of July week(end), we transformed the long wall in the living room from its irritating hodge-podgeness to a cohesive, inspiring work area. Fireplace? Check. View of inclement weather? Check. Ample storage space? Check. I have used my area constantly since then, and have been more prolific and excited about creating since I started working there. I used only things I already had on hand, so it was completely and utterly free. And with the steel skies of autumn and winter fast approaching, I am gleeful as I anticipate crafting at my cozy desk next to the crackling fire while I watch the storms roll in.

 
Take a look at some other inspiring crafty spaces at Marcy Penner's blog here. 

Just Begin

The perfect is the enemy of the good.

- Voltaire

I have procrastinated making my first post to this - my first - blog so many times and for so many reasons: the design isn't perfect yet, I don't have enough time to write all that I really want to write, we don't have Internet service so I have to figure out how to do it... All legitimate reasons, but I've reached the point where they are no longer acceptable to me. In fact, I could hardly have chosen a less convenient time to post: sitting on a bench at the elementary school playground while the boys run and jump and slide. But it is now that I am suddenly unwilling to wait any longer, now that I am realizing that "good" is sufficient, now that I am yearning to put words on the screen. So I am heeding the call of Now, imperfection and all. And I pray that, like Paul, "I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (II Corinthians 12:9 NKJV). May He use this blog to inspire us, refine us, prod us, and may we glorify Him in the process!